The Official Cable Roast Calculator

How Dumb Is Your Cable?

Science* has proven that every year on cable internet lowers your IQ by measurable points. Meanwhile, fiber users get smarter just by existing. Don't believe us? Run the numbers.
*Not actual science. But you already knew that because you probably have fiber.

🧠 Fiber Builds Stronger Brains 🐌 Oh, you wouldn't understand… you still have cable 💡 Buffering kills brain cells. Fact-ish.
FIBER BUILDS STRONGER BRAINS CABLE IS JUST COPPER WITH COMMITMENT ISSUES OH, YOU WOULDN'T UNDERSTAND… YOU STILL HAVE CABLE BUFFERING: THE SILENT IQ KILLER FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS USE COAX YOUR CABLE MODEM IS OLDER THAN YOUR EXCUSES FIBER: BECAUSE YOUR BRAIN DESERVES BETTER FIBER BUILDS STRONGER BRAINS CABLE IS JUST COPPER WITH COMMITMENT ISSUES OH, YOU WOULDN'T UNDERSTAND… YOU STILL HAVE CABLE BUFFERING: THE SILENT IQ KILLER FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS USE COAX YOUR CABLE MODEM IS OLDER THAN YOUR EXCUSES FIBER: BECAUSE YOUR BRAIN DESERVES BETTER

Your Current Internet Situation

Be honest. We won't judge. (We will a little.)

Every year counts. Against you.
Include the fees they hide in the fine print.
"Advertised" — key word there.
If you even know what this is, respect.

Lifestyle Damage Assessment

Each call = 45 min of your life, gone forever.
"We value your loyalty" = "we raised your rate."

Disclaimer: No IQ points were actually harmed in the making of this calculator. Cable companies, however, were absolutely roasted. We stand by that.

Your Internet Intelligence Report

Your Cable IQ Damage
-0 IQ points
Loading your shame…
Fiber IQ Recovery (immediate upon switching)
+0 IQ points
Your brain is waiting…
Your Brain on Cable
Dial-Up Brain???Genius
Your Brain on Fiber
Dial-Up Brain???Genius
Hours of Life Lost to Buffering
0 hours
Money Burned on Cable
$0
You Could Have Saved
$0
Patience Level
Relationship Damage Score
Calculating your fate…

Your Personalized Cable Roast

Analyzing your poor life choices…

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The Fiber Prescription

Stand by while we write your prescription…